In my thirties, faced with growing angst and creeping depression-and motivated to be the best parent I could be to my children-I began to deal with repressed memories and old emotional residue that has left me suffering from C-PTSD, chronic back pain, sciatica, headaches, and anxiety.Īs a child, I hid from the emotional pain by delving into the world of books, music, and academics. Motherhood opened up old wounds, the house of cards fell apart, and I began to unravel. My pain was buried so deep, I didn’t realize it was there until I had my own children. Trying to hide the pain-from others and myself-I built walls, put on masks, and soldiered on. I learned to bury my pain deep inside, feeling invisible, ashamed, angry, alone, and unable to ask for what I needed. When those emotions showed up, I often felt overwhelmed and inadequate, ashamed of my failure to be a “good girl.”
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My parents didn’t model how to deal with difficult emotions, as they struggled with that themselves. Anger was met with anger, fear went unacknowledged, and there was plenty of shame to go around. No one was there to validate or help us process emotions in a healthy way. I grew up in a home where the motto was “Children are to be seen, not heard.” There was little emotional expression allowed, let alone accepted. Somewhere along the way, however, many of us learned to repress emotions, especially those deemed “negative,” in order to fit in, earn love, and be accepted.
We are emotional creatures, and we were born to express emotions freely and openly. “The human mind is a relational and embodied process that regulates the flow of energy and information.” ~Daniel J.
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